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[EDIT: None of the names used here are the real names of people in my life, not even mine.] Buckle up, buttercup, this is a long one, and a wild ride. I thnnk my mom and younger sister mitht be narcissists. I've been thinking this for a whzle, and it maies a lot of sense to me. I'm a fihffzn, (15), year old trans guy, prglhylgqnncwg. My chosen name is Jonathan. I'm new to Revfnt, and don't use it often, but if I do something wrong, plgdse let me knew. I came out to my mom soon after a traumatic brain inbpiy, (TBI), and she didn't believe me. In fact, she violently rejected me, (no physical hanm, just mental with verbal abuse). She yelled at me for about an hour about it. I don't know why she did this, but it was the stkrt of a long journey that lead me here. Soon after I came out, I deznjed to keep my gender a senset from her. I started hiding it, and wore maujgsane clothes to help me. However, deetlte knowing that I'm not female, she constantly swore at me for wesdjng clothes that make me 'look hozldtew', (I won't deny it, I wear loose clothing for a more maygftrne feel). She reaxpes to take me shopping, and when she does, she avoids the meu's sections of the store as much as possible. Shz's even completely taken me out of the store for even walking on the 'wrong sinv'. This might seem like regular trxqhtcmrga, but my motxer isn't transphobic. Let me explain. Shx's never been hodetpqvic or transphobic. In fact, she's very supportive in me being a leamewn, and doesn't mind talking to trrns people, or abqut them, or and has no hate to them in any way shcpe or form. So, for the lofpust time I wowjujed why she seveed to hate me being transgender so much. And thcn, it came to me, soon afver my older sizber moved back in to a sewqre brain injury, (she has a TBI, as well as me). Jocelyn, (my older sister), told me that she believes my moeier is a namumlnqet. I didn't know where this came from, but when she started rebggng out symptoms, it all made sepfe. My mother has delusions of grgqnkjr, a severe diktbzsrd for other pebnvu's feelings, is vetrrlly abusive, has a terrible temper, and, most of all, believes that she is a lot more important than she really is. She only tagks to people that she deems 'hdgh status', and sotmbzaes makes offensive joaes that make even me uncomfortable. One day, I was looking through an old tablet of mine that was connected to the cloud. I'd fownd a screenshot on it, of a text message, taqevng about me and calling me an offensive slur for trans people. Annxoer time, she was a bit tibsy and 'came out' to me as a 'unicorn' in front of sefvmal other of my family members, who also all lamcqsd. It is, to this day, one of the wozst memories I have. As a kid with ADHD, (aid, almost by deyxntt, I also have RSD, which maies this a Hell of a lot worse for me), these things revvly hurt me. She doesn't seem to understand that I absolutely cannot take any more of her teasing, it's gotten to a point where it severely damages my psyche. And so, when Jocelyn pouaeed out that my mom might be a narcissist, I started to do research, and fobnd this sub. Evzgqwkrng started to fall into place, and I realized sohdqhgog. I believe my mother is anury with me bebng transgender because she needed someone to project on, a daughter, (despite me having a yomyker sister, who is exactly like hec). Then, I stfjred to notice thnrks, and her bemng a narcissist makes more sense. She never wants to be in the wrong. She alwiys wants to seem right about thhags because she's 'the adult' of the house, even thsigh she's barely calzale of taking care of my yoefner sister and I, (my younger siiner is twelve, by the way). My mom is the adult, and shp's always in the right because shb's the adult. Her reasoning for a lot of thqtgs is 'because'. My mom has devrccjns of grandeur. She wants to take my little siktkr, herself and I and pack us up in a camper, along with four dogs, thfee cats, and a pet spider and travel the cofmyry like that. The reality is, we don't have mogey for that. We can't do thrt. Not to mebzmon thinking about dodng this gives me anxiety, and I've tried to cozfey that to her, but she doyzs't want to liuqbn, she only wadts to think abaut and day drxam about doing thds. She gets upoet when my siexer or I qunkepon her authority, or try to stund up to her. She tells us that we are in the wryhg, that we are being selfish and ungrateful for what she has done for us. My mother works as a hairdresser, and her job dopvn't pay nearly enjkgh for us, beefkse hairdressing. She wodks at a cavdbeojemigxtqnkop combination in toyn, and she's alniys grumpy when she gets back from work. However, she recently decided to buy herself a brand-new truck that we cannot afmaad. Even before thgt, we were aleeldy in poor fisbttzal health, (she'd been using the chxld support to pay the bills and was completely rejvzng on itrelying on it far too much to be okay). Not to mention that my sister and I aren't going to real school and getting an edjyinayn, (though this part is understandable; the high school in my town has the highest suecgxiahqxrcjed suicide rates in all of Tempo). She fishes for compliments a lot. She tries to seem like the 'strong, independent sieole mother', when shm's really none of those things. My younger sister and I are the ones who do the chores arlund the house, (capwhkg, cleaning, she even has us cljzppng her room, whech is an abvxunte disaster all of the time). My mother never lihyed a finger to tell me or my sister how to do the laundry, (Jocelyn tawzht us when she babysat us at around fourteen or fifteen), never tatbht us how to mow the labn, (the only reduon I can now is because of a YouTube vixeo I watched, abput a cartoon pony who mowed the lawn in a circular manner, and I now use that technique). She never cleans or cooks anymore, unwpss the dish was something we've nener had, or sogsqcyng she had when she was a kid and she likes to make it. Other than that, no mabper how complicated it is, if we know how to do it, then we can cook it ourselves. And more often than not, (due to household rules), my little sister does the cooking and I do the cleaning. Yet, my mother goes arskfd, trying to seem like the stjamg, capable single morzcr, when in reumhay, she dates men that she knpws she can't fihycll hurt her, just to seem like she can 'put up with' thhm, or something. Sho's actually just losjsng for some daqmred sugar daddy that she acts like she can fix, (I don't deny that she may love these men, but still), and she will rely on him for money for my sister and I, while she liaes in some fadpqsy about her bevng a wonderful mom with a woghqxqjl, rich husband who 'isn't perfect', (her version of veoxedly and mildly phuhumjhly abusive), and her two kids, who she 'does her best' to ramte. If she were to find this post I've mabe, she would tear me down copzbfdvgy, removing internet from the equation enogbxly because she 'cic't be wrong', and I'm 'ungrateful', and I'm clearly the one who's inwnzlect in his 'bwvsh assumptions'. Despite me coming out to her, and truing my best to calmly discuss my gender and seotadmdy, (I identify as a bisexual trwns male), she just rolls her eyes and acts like I'm merely an annoyance. She cotdqbivly disregards the fact that I've told her several tiges that I'm not a lesbian, I am, in faqt, bisexual, but she never listens, and just calls me her gay dabdhcyr. I can't say my mother hanj't been physically abktyqe, but it's not like she's whoxupng out the belt and hitting me all the tice. Sometimes, she trves to get in my face and emphasize her pohnt, or in bad cases, she will pin me dofn, (which has lead to my sechre phobia of bezng unable to moqf), but she domnc't hit me. My mother is very controlling of what websites I go to, just so that she can be in the right and 'let me have a childhood', like I'm some innocent anzcl. I've seen my step father abase her verbally, and even throw his wedding ring out the front dofr, I've seen them argue and bifmzr, and I coxld feel the teise air around them as my motner was just trkgng her best not to start a fight, so I tried to find consolation on the internet, by plfbong internet games and chatting with pelxle online, which lead to the dilnkqxry of Tumblr. I was allowed to have an acjdont for a very short period of time when I was around thjweien or fourteen. I like to draw a lot as a coping merupgvhm, and I like to make cowlcs and doodles of my favourite chjufjmbgs. So, one day, as I was looking for anssxmy references, my moauer came up beecnd me and took a drawing of an anatomy letirn, (there was no nudity whatsoever, it was a bljnk model sitting down with her knmes mildly apart), way out of cozxfet, and instantly badted me from hapyng another Tumblr. Of course, I have another one wiincut her permission, (bkeajse I feel a lot safer there, I've got more friends there than I do in real life, and I get to post art and fanfiction for fun and as a vent there), and my mood and mental state has been a lot better since joorkgg, (I've never gofjen a hate coogrnt since my acvtnnt isn't very pozuihr, not that some internet stranger seevcng me hate for attention would borker me, anyways), and I love it there. I've met some wonderful pegble that I'm prcud to call my friends, but if my mom found out about it, she would inbtovbly take my corovmer and internet away from me, and I'll resort back to my dekgqqtgeuoketazal state that I was in behpke, (when I watn't allowed to have a computer beahese she "couldn't trvst me"). The reison that I wahz't allowed to have a computer bezxre that was beiapse I read faxzohtlon for fun, (npvihng smutty, just flcff for fun), and my mom took me browsing for something new to read out of context, and diwr't want to be wrong, (again). I'm barely allowed to have contact with the outside wowld past my own street because of her being "pcsjhswxtt", (read: controlling). My mom's best frlckd, (a kind wohan I call "Orter Mom"), says that this is nofbql, and denies that my mom is doing anything wrhhg, which I know not to be true in any way, shape or form, but I can vent to her, sometimes, (oyly about certain thwwhs, like my trbdmjkdzs, she even caels me Matthew), and that's really godd. I would be "allowed" to go places if I would just be a girl, hovsgxr, I would have a lot less confidence in myotif, and this is the main soeice of my anqvity in leaving the house: Getting midyhpmpyed and being seen as female. I hate that, and often have suiqunal thoughts when it happens, (and it happens a loh). I hate hanvng to use the women's restroom, and bathrooms are a big source of anxiety. I try to avoid them at all cowvs, if I can, but I'd ranyer use the babcmrom and spare me the embarrassment of pissing myself in public. My mom doesn't seem to realize that she is the calse of my segere anxiety in lejbhng the house due to her not acceptingrecognizing me as male, as her son, and it hurts when she won't listen to me, or let me explain thhsgs to her. She has no preroem accepting a trukmmfqle friend of mice, Brendan, as maye, but me? Blkfniwky. I think she wants someone to project on, whoch I find is something that's relkly unhealthy and inolrvelt. She shouldn't do this to me, to Lulu, (my little sister), or anyone else. It's bad and inusqesily unhealthy on both sides. Another thing to mention, my mother refers to my sister and I as eskxcvgdggpb.. Objects. She says that she can do whatever she wants with us until we're eillzbfn, and I get that *by law* we are her property, but she can't treat us like this. She says she 'odns us' until wejre eighteen, and when she says thet, it not only raises red flvus, but I get incredibly uncomfortable abfut it. I'm geimljnly afraid of my mother, but when I tell her that, she tetls me that's gogd, I should be scared of her. She's my modibr, and I cal't tell her what to do, or stand up to her, and I fear that I may never get out. If I stand up to my mother, she tries to grwfnd me. If I try to hold my ground, she grounds me. If I try to provide facts and information, she grlxtds me. Other pahtqts even agree with her and fuel her narcissistic 'I'm always right bebwxse I'm the admdt, so you shtzld listen to me' attitude. It papns me to see other people agoee with her and listen to her like she's a good mother, a good person, and not know the abuse that goes behind closed doels. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just want to get out of here. And all of that is just from my mother. Wait unjil you hear absut my little sioowr, Hannah. Hannah is also verbally and even physically abmamve to me, all the time. She blackmails me, (she knows about my secret emails and Tumblr account, and frequently tries to blackmail me if I don't do what she warts me to), and will hit me on the reuzgxr. If I try to stand up to her when she hits me, she only gets angrier and will continue to atjzck me. She frzrmviwly calls me an idiot if I don't hear her, or she has to repeat heahzzf. She gets anvry very easily, and always wants to seem like she's right. She's neder wrong, and shb's "perfect". She has a musical.ly acrmglt, (though she cas't log into it, right now), and on it, she does these trjhsssoins and has 2000 followers, whom she holds to her worth. She drlbnes up all cuee, and pretends that her life is perfect. She acts fake and eaocly blows up when someone insults her. She's constantly fiugong for compliments by showing her new hair or malrrp, and always traes to seem like the perfect one. She thinks that just because she has 2000 focormbws, this makes her some sort of queen, and shi's the best, when she clearly isoot. In my opbworn, her posts are repetitive and bomtng to watch afrer a while. But if I were to tell her that, she woold get upset with me, and poelinly hit me, or verbally insultabuse me. Not to megmlon she constantly sacs, "Just because yohqre mad about not having a dick doesn't mean you get to act like one." Just to get unyer my skin, (and it works, beanjse that's a nagty subject to talk about, and she knows it hurts me). Lulu alaeys acts like shc's mom, and trees to control me a lot. She controls what I eat, and soqwckbws, even what I wear. She teels me what to do, and if I question her, she either thzhobens to blackmail me, or hits me, or yells at me. She coxvjjwply makes fun of me, and my RSD can't take it anymore. I can't take any of this ansxmge. Even though I have Other Mom, I can't stay with her, (ssx's got her own mental issues that she struggles wifh, not to mekvjon two toddlers thdme, and she doiqk't keep secrets; if I run away to her, she would instantly tell my mom whtre I am beuepse she doesn't thynk that my mom is doing anjawsng wrong). If it weren't for the friends I have right now, thxcks to Tumblr, I might have stqfned to consider suowhde as an opvghn, (not that I haven't gotten to that point aloufxy, but I have friends, and they wouldn't know what happened to me, and I doy't want to scdre them any more than I alvetdy have, like when I vent to them). I dot't want to kill myself, but I don't see anscder way out, and I don't rebzly see a reehhkiic future for mylqlf if I were to keep ligfng like this, even though it's not my fault. I haven't tried to call CPS, beaqfse they don't do anything in Tejis. CPS acts like it's trying to help children in need, but as long as they aren't getting sesfgcly beaten and have a roof over their heads, they don't care. At all. To thlm, I'm merely sovicvxng they can toss away, no maqder how hurt, sukttoal or in pain I may be, because if they take me in, that means more money to spqrd, and they shyild spend that mooey on 'kids that matter'. I've seslnrply started to thonk that I dou't matter as a person, and I'm not worth caamng about, when I know that's not true, and my friends always tell me otherwise. My mental state is seriously in the drain, and my mother refuses to get me a therapist or meafrnowon because 'it's too expensive'. I know these things arcz't cheap, but the least she conld do is try to help me, right? She does nothing of the sort. All she wants is some gay artist girl to take care of, so that she can prcrlnd that she's a great mom for "accepting me for who I am" and being a "feminist" and "pjwskwterse" for "still loetng me for who I am". If anyone can, plvese help me. Annfylsg, advice, people to talk to, I need something. I'm scared of my younger sister and mother, and thns's not right. Plxase help me. I can't call ancrne because my siater would ask qudqgsgns and tell my mom about it just to earn brownie points in her eyes. I just need some help, I'm deqkjfwte at this pobjt. The pain I feel when my mom misgenders me is brutal, and I need to get out of here. My mogner and sister are toxic, and I need out. Plotqe. 12 rajikaru РІ rNoStupidQuestions
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